New Year's Resolutions

Yes, it’s that time of year again: New Year’s Resolutions. Admittedly I don’t remember what last year’s resolution was and it probably doesn’t even matter because I am a completely different person now, thanks to God.

So resolutions, here we go:

1. Live for God
2. Follow resolution 1

I was going to have multiple resolutions including getting to know people better, reading my bible daily, and practicing karate more often, but living for God is so much better. Karate is great and I don’t practice nearly enough, mostly because of laziness, but if I live my life for God he will cure me of my sloth. I can make a resolution to read my bible daily, but if I live my life for God, He will call me to read His word on his time schedule, not mine. I can get to know people better by living for God and growing in fellowship and if God wants me to stay in touch with a non-believer, then I will talk to them and pray they discover God’s grace and Jesus’ love.

How will I live for God? If I plan out how I will live for Him, then I am not really living for Him. If I pray to Him and worship Him, he will bless me with the rest of my life. I will read his word and I will live in fellowship as much as possible. Even if I waiver from His path a bit, I know He will always be there to pull me back in. Numerous times in the past few months I have strayed and He has spoken to me, whether it is through the bible, sermons, other believers, or even directly to me, implanting the proper thoughts into my mind. God loves me and through Jesus I am righteous in His eyes.

My life is in Your hands, God, lead me towards you and teach me how to walk with you!

Peace ~ Pyung Ahn

Praying, Peace, and Praise.

Take a look around whatever room you are in right now and see just how much you have that requires electricity. Your computer, lighting, and whatever other electronics are in the room all run on electricity. The Power went out yesterday, due to a wicked wind storm and a large tree on its last legs. The lack of lighting, heat, internet, TV, music (besides my Ipod and headphones), etc made me realize just how reliant we are on electricity and other human inventions.

While the power was out I stopped and prayed in the middle of what I was doing (I rarely pray unless the time is appropriate, but for once I prayed on the spur of the moment). And the strange thing about my prayer: I thanked God for the power outage. I thanked him for the opportunity to focus more on Him without worldly distractions and while I did pray for power to come back son so I wouldn’t freeze, I focused my prayers on worshiping Him. I had planned to organize a few things and then read my bible, though the power came back on before I got to reading and I had other chores that needed to be done that required electricity. Even later that night I ended up talking to a friend online and reminiscing about my past and never got to reading scripture. God knew my heart was in the right place, however, and left me with a peaceful mind even though I could have done more for Him by reading His word.

This morning, after 2 days of waiting, I can finally get into my bedroom. My brother was hosting a LAN party (party of geeks playing computer games all night) and needed to move some furniture out of the way so there would be more room for everyone’s computers. Unfortunately my bedroom was the closest and, therefore, was used to store the furniture. Now I don’t have any issue with my room being used and I would have agreed with no complaints if I had been given proper notice and even been asked properly. What actually happened, however, was that I was given 2 minutes warning and was not asked properly, but more just told that couches were being stored there. My brother took advantage of me and packed my room so much with stuff that I couldn’t get to anything and was forced to sleep on the couch.

Jesus replied, " `You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: `Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the other commandments and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments." Matthew 22:37-40

Jesus says to love your neighbor; therefore I should forgive my brother for whatever he does to upset me, including this issue with the use of my room. It is so hard to truly love your neighbor. I was frustrated at myself for being frustrated at him because I knew I had not forgiven my brother yet. It took a message from a close friend to remind me that God doesn’t want us to worry and that praying could ease my mind. A few prayers and talking out my frustrations did wonders for my burdened mind.

God is just that good! All I have to do is pray and worship and live in fellowship and all my problems disappear! God is amazing for the gift of peace He has blessed me with. His first commandment, to love Him, actually helps me to live the second. I hope you love God as much as I do, as worshiping Him has give my life way more blessings than I deserve.

Peace ~ Pyung Ahn

God provides

Okay, so I apologize for my last two posts that were really reposts of other notes, but I felt a need to add them to this site. The past two days have been busy and… well basically this post is about Sunday the 27^th, even though it is currently the 29^th.

So Sunday, I went to church at the church I’ve always gone to when home with my parents and admittedly it’s not my favorite. I have always had trouble truly connecting with God wile in church there… until Sunday. I was finally able to feel that connection with God during service. I could feel God moving me and giving me a servant’s heart when the pastor asked if I could help with readings and communion. Even though I would have liked to pray and focus more on repentance, God still knew my heart was for Him and was able to give me peace of mind throughout the day.

After service, some of my family and I had a mini family gathering to celebrate Christmas. As we were opening gifts I realized just how lucky I am to have such a close family that both sides of the family know each other and enjoy spending the holiday together. Unfortunately our family gathering was not focused on the birth of Christ, but rather on gifts.

Christmas has become more about gift exchange, family gatherings, and holiday parties than about the birth of Christ. God’s gift to the world was sending Christ to eliminate our sins; hence the tradition of giving gifts, but when the gifts become the main focus, Christ loses his place in people’s hearts. The world is more concerned about material possessions than praising Christ on a day that should be devoted solely to him.

“For God so loved the world that he GAVE his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

God blessed me with an unexpected gift later that night. I got in touch with an old friend and neighbor from down the street. She is also living her life for God. It is amazing how he can provide that touch of fellowship where I need it and when I need it. I was afraid that in going home for winter break and in losing much of the fellowship I gained while at school, that I would slip away from God and back into old habits. It is still early in the break, but I am doing fairly well and God provides fellowship when I need it. Between this new connection to an old friend, new friends keeping in touch, and getting closer to God through studying His word, I have been staying close to God and though I stray every now and then He always reaches me somehow. Feeling that connection and internal peace during church service on Sunday was a big indicator of just how much God has stuck to me in these harder times.

God is my provider of everything and without Him in my life I would be seriously lost. Do you truly know God’s love? Do you know how blessed you can be if you accept God and Jesus into your everyday life?

I Pray that God blesses all of you and that he provides you with peace as we transition into the new year.

Peace ~ Pyung Ahn

christianity and homosexuality?

So I didn't post anything last night and I will post later as to the reason why. As for now, though, I have another re-post from facebook notes (original post date 12/13/09). this particular one I knew was controversial, but it was something I needed to write. Within two days of posting I had 64 comments from a total of ten friends (and a few comments by myself as well). It was interesting to see the differences between my friends I have known for years and my new group of friends at college, as most of my college friends are christian and most of my old friends are not.

I hope this particular post opens your mind to the greatest gift of all: Jesus' sacrifice on the cross for our sins.


Peace ~ Pyung Ahn

A struggle overcome and a heart at peace

So a lot has been running through my mind lately. Ever since coming to know God at the beginning of the semester, I have had this nagging question on my mind. Before I get to that question though, let me fill you in (and try not to judge me until you read EVERYTHING)…

First off, if you have not read my note ‘life since high school,’ go and read it now and then come back. I live my life for God and no one else, not even myself. Know that God makes me happier and more at peace every single day than I have ever been since childhood. Second, you need to know that I am bisexual. To me, women are equally as attractive as men and even when looking at people’s personalities I don’t make a decision about who I ‘like’ based upon gender stereotypes. I even dated a lesbian friend of mine (who still remains a best friend) and broke up with her because I felt God telling me it was the right thing to do. To those of you whom are learning this about me for the first time, again I say don’t judge and read till the end before you comment.

My big question: Can God accept me even if I were in a homosexual relationship?

Since finding God and up until about two weeks ago I kept saying God ‘condemns’ homosexuals, or at least homosexual activity (so says the biblical references I had heard of), and that the only way I could ‘earn’ God’s love was to repent constantly, since I cannot change the way I am. I said ‘condemns’ because I thought I would go to Hell because I thought God hated homosexuals. I thought I had to ‘earn’ his love by what amounts to constantly begging for His mercy. Also note I say thought a lot, as my view has been righted.

A series of events caused a shift in my view, starting with doubt night on Dec. 1st. For those of you who were there, you may remember that there were questions asking about homosexual Christians. Yes, those questions were mine. When the guest pastor answering the doubt night questions flat out said “no, you can’t be a good Christian and living a homosexual life,” it hurt me deeply. For the 24 hours after that my heart was very heavy and I tried to rationalize myself to fit God’s eyes without really listening to Him. I was hiding away that piece of me that was holding on to my bisexuality as being something I couldn’t help.

The next night I was talking to Amanda online about my struggle. After a while and some scripture, God speaks to her and he in turn speaks to me through her words. God said to her (and she relayed to me) “wasn’t Jesus’ sacrifice enough for you” and that impacted me hard, but in an uplifting kind of way that I don’t think can be described. It was exactly what I needed to hear. God knew my heart wasn’t open enough to hear him, but by using other people, I hear him loud and clear (in a screaming kind of way). I still have trouble distinguishing His voice when he speaks directly to me, but He is teaching me lessons through others and helping me build in my faith every day with the help of others.

After talking to Amanda for a while the day after doubt knight, she invited me to a small group that night. When in small group we talked about our highs and lows of the week and after contemplating how much to reveal to people who were strangers to me until that night, I decided to trust them and revealed the whole story about my sexuality and how lost I was in my faith because of doubt night. After some encouraging words and the reassurance that God still loves me because of God’s grace I left feeling a little better, though still struggling to fully accept Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross for my sin.

Back in my dorm, same night, I go online to see a Christian friend of mine from Newtown, Kieran, was online. I start talking to him about how I was struggling against my sins and he reminds me of God’s grace: yet another example of God screaming at me through others. God’s words, through the words of Kieran, helped to ease my mind a bit, though I knew I wasn’t completely all right. I told Amanda I was fine that Thursday night, and to an extent I really was, even if I still didn’t understand.

Now we are at Saturday the 5th, if you are still following my timeline. I helped out Abundant Life Community Church by watching the little kids and helping with food for couples’ night. Steve ended up giving me a ride back to my dorm. I mentioned my struggle against this sin and once again I felt God speaking to me through others when he said the least I could do is repent and be thankful for Jesus and know that because of Him I have salvation.

So to summarize so far: I never understood up to this point how homosexuality is wrong in God’s eyes and I just had to trust that the bible is truth and repent for this sin. God spoke to me through others and helped me to relax a bit and wait for when the time was right to get me to understand and change my way of thinking.

Now we reach today: Sunday the 13th. (Going home the 10th to the 12th resulted in a loss of that connection with God while I was surrounded by old friends who do not live everyday for God. I see now that I needed that slip up to be more open minded and open hearted.) So I go to church and read the title for the day’s sermon and I can’t help but think the message: “authentic sexuality,” is directed right at me, considering it has always been my struggle between my faith and my old lifestyle. Many scriptures and a heartfelt repentance prayer later I finally understood that it is not the fact that I have homosexual tendencies, but more the fact that I choose to act on those lusts that makes homosexuality (and other sexually immoral fixations) bad in God’s eyes.

I can strive to live a virtuous and sexually pure life as much as possible and know that Jesus died for my sins for the times I slip up. I know I can pray for answers and help and he will help whether through giving the answers (in due time) or providing the right people to help me.

As I sit here in my dorm, listening to worship music and thinking back on past mistakes and the promises I have made to God, I must make another promise to Him. God, I promise never to enter another relationship with a female and to reject the sexually immoral tendencies I have embraced in the past. I will live my life for You, Lord, not for any other human to human relationship.

I have this frayed rainbow pin (awareness pin for homosexuality) that has been sitting on my desk for over three months, reminding me who I thought I was. I am taking this rather meaningful piece of fabric and throwing it in the garbage, as I will not live that life ever again.

Life Since High School

Ok, so once again I have less time to write / think than I would like. I have ideas for three future blog posts in the works, so no worries on my lack of writing. I also feel this current post will help add to understanding me more. Today's post is one I wrote and posted on Facebook back in mid November. I got seven comments on it, all from family and good Christian friends and all positive.

"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring enough worries of it own. Today's trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34

peace ~ Pyung Ahn

Life Since High School

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while. Some of you may not have seen or heard from me in a few months and therefore do not know how much I have changed, so I figure I should update all of you.

Sometime since graduating high school back in January and now I felt the call of God. What I mean is that I now truly believe instead of just going through the motions. Admittedly there were points over the summer and as I was going through conformation in my church that I felt like a hypocrite because I had large doubts about there being a God and that my sins could be forgiven. I remember as I was confirmed in front of everyone at church just trying to reach out and feel the Holy Spirit around and within me and earnestly trying to believe. Yet even after that point I continued to doubt.

I fully realized that God was calling me to him when I got to campus and found 180 Christian Fellowship. Seeing others my age praising God and Jesus helped me realize that it wasn't just all about saying the prayers and listening to the sermons on Sundays. Through 180, I have gained good friends that I can count on to have my best interest at heart. The Fellowship I find myself involved in has helped me truly see the light that God has in people and in discovering that light in myself I have been in so much more peace then in my past. Worship music has had a huge impact on me in that it portrays God's will and teachings in a manner I can understand and take to heart. Bible Study has really helped me to understand, though I still have much to learn.

Going to Abundant Life Community Church has also helped me in my walk with God. Being surrounded by a lively group of believers made me feel welcomed and I feel free to worship as I please. I went back home recently and went to church with my mother to First Lutheran Church and I realized as I was flipping through the hymnal that the structure of set prayers and standard hymn type songs, while great to a lifelong believer, was also what was keeping me from worshiping whole heartedly.

Through worship songs, I fully realized the significance of Jesus and his sacrifice on the cross to save us from our own sins. I struggle to call myself worthy to be a Christian because of my sins and even now I still doubt that I can be truly cleansed of my sins, but my savior Jesus gives me strength and strengthens my faith to know that even the most sinful can be saved because of his blood.

Who Once was Lost and Now is Found

So I was going to write something else besides this, but my day was long and I don't have the time to write at the moment. Instead I think I will post this story I wrote not even a month ago. It is an Op Ed piece written for a college writing course and even though my grade was lower than normal, I still wish to share it's contents, as it will help you readers understand me more.

God bless you and give you peace ~ Pyung Ahn

Who Once was Lost and Now is Found

I know a young woman who has completely changed over the course of a few months. This transformation was sudden, yet magnificent.

She used to keep to herself, her eyes dull and her laughter forced for her friends’ sake. She would disappear into an alternate reality created by computer games and the internet to avoid the responsibilities and hardships of everyday life. Her underlying personality was pessimistic and self-depreciating. She cared little for others, preferring only the company of herself. The only service she did for others was when that service benefited her too. A bad group of friends corrupted her morals and opened her mind towards the wrong things. Her true feelings were bottled up inside; her heart sheltered from the world.

But now she has changed.

Her eyes are bright and her laugh genuine. She greets friends with a smile and genuinely cares for those less fortunate. Her computer is no longer a lifeline; instead she clings to close friends who share the same moral values. Her heart has been opened fully, her emotions shown instead of building up inside. She spends time out with friends instead of isolating herself from the world.

What caused such a complete shift in her life? It’s rather simple actually: God. She committed her life to God and accepted Jesus Christ as her savior.

The Hebrew word shalom means peace, absence of worry, completeness, welfare and good health. This girl has found shalom, this inner peace, in worshiping God.

I am this girl.

I feel shalom, this inner peace, because I know that God loves me unconditionally. I have been reborn, and in some ways am a newborn child, seeing everything for the first time. I was saved when I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. I know the only way I can be saved from my sins is through Jesus Christ’s sacrifice.

My past brings up many sins, some of which I repent for (pray for forgiveness and promise not to repeat) and some which I still deeply regret but cannot fully repent with my whole heart. Sometimes I question whether God can truly love a sinner like me. I know everyone is a sinner and no sin is worse than another, yet sometimes it feels like my sin is the worst. I have to be reminded that God is love and, thanks to Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, I am freed of my sins.

God loves me because Jesus died for my sins. I can mess up in the real world, yet so long as I continue to glorify God and thank Jesus for his sacrifice on the cross, I know I will always have that inner peace that only accepting God into my life has brought me.

The book of Romans says,

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus,” (Romans 3:23-24).

Basically this passage of scripture shows how great Jesus’ sacrifice was on the cross, because it represented the ultimate price we pay for our sins (and we all have sins just because we are humans, and humans are imperfect). By having Jesus die for our sins (Jesus himself was God in human form and was pure and free from sin) we, as saved Christians, are forever seen as righteous in God’s eyes.

I am still learning much about god’s word through the bible. I have so much more to learn and I humble myself every day because I am so ignorant. All God asks is that we do not deny him and strive to follow his wishes as best we can. I live my life every day thinking how I can glorify Him day to day and asking for His guidance where I need it.

Isn’t it amazing how one catalyst can change everything? A change toward faith completely changed my life for the better. Now I love my life and live it in accordance with God’s will. Living in my new found faith has left me with an inner peace that is so precious in today’s fast paced world. I feel no need to care for my own desires, as I know God will fulfill them if I ask. I would rather help others and in doing so, share the love of God to those who do not know it.

Christmas

Hello all!

So I’m new to blogging, but I felt a need to start writing my thoughts down in order to unclutter my mind. I shall introduce myself more eventually, but right now….

IT’S CHRISTMAS!!

Merry Christmas everyone! I love Jesus and today we celebrate his birth! (Yes I know there is controversy as to his actual birth date and Christmas was invented to overshadow a pagan holiday blah blah blah, but we celebrate his birth on Christmas and that is what I wish to focus on.) Why do I love Jesus? Because he was God who came to earth in human form in order to right the ways of this sinful world. He DIED on the cross (crucifixion is the most horrible way to die) for our sins because we are humans and we mess up in the eyes of God just because we are human and we make mistakes. Jesus, the one human who ever existed who never sinned, became Sin on that cross and in this one blood sacrifice, we humans were redeemed for our sinful human ways. When we accept Jesus Christ as our lord and savior, God sees us as righteous because we know we are sinful and Jesus has righted our ways.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

A little information about me: I am a Born-Again Christian and accepted Jesus as my savior only about 4 months ago, though God has been calling to me for years.

I normally go to midnight mass on Christmas Eve and every so often go to mass Christmas day. Even before my recent change to being born-again, I was a Lutheran and would only go to church on holidays and random occasions. Instead of going to church, I was off Snow skiing. My early Christmas present was a season pass to one of my favorite mountains and my father and I took off for 2 days to take advantage of the holiday off of work and the nice weather.

I must say that even though it was not a typical Christmas, it was one of the best. The weather was sunny, wind was low if at all, and even lines were non-existent due to the holiday. And at the summit I was awed by God’s creation. The mountains were beautiful in the sunlight and I could see for at least 50 miles! The clouds were lower in the valleys and almost looked like a white sea the way the clouds were all an even height and the higher mountains poked through like islands. I could go on about the beauty and the fabulous skiing and how dead my legs are and how much fun I had, just know it was a slice of heaven on earth.

I may not have made it to church, but I read my bible some and prayed often and praised God for the wonderful opportunity He gave me. I shared a bit of Jesus with strangers on the lifts with a casual ‘merry Christmas, happy birthday Jesus’ as the ride would end and even though I probably didn’t bring anybody to know God any better, but I hope that my mention of Jesus will get them interested and that my smile could make there day just that little bit better.

I hope all of you reading had a wonderful Christmas and I pray that God will bless whoever reads my posts. If you are not Christian, I hope that at least your mind is open and I know that God loves you, even if you don’t believe in Him.

Peace ~ Pyung Ahn