A Worried Mind

I know I’ve been posting every day and then I disappeared for a week…. And I have no real good excuse. Between obligations to family, my birthday (19… not that exciting), skiing, getting caught up in youtube and reading my bible, I just never got around to writing. Oh, and DDR is very addictive as well. I’m glad my dorm room doesn’t have it or I would get nothing done (good workout though). Youtube is an awesome place to find videos of sermons and hear inspirational stories from Christians, who genuinely love Jesus. I won’t go into detail about everything I have learned lately, as I could babble on and on.

I would like to stress, however, that accepting Jesus with my whole heart and surrendering my life to Him is the only reason this blog even exists. Jesus has changed my heart from one inclined to live in sin before, especially lusts, to one that turns away from sin. Not only have I lost those lusts, but when they do creep in, I have the strength to fight them that only God can grace me with. God is my strength, my morals, my LIFE. I feel less lazy than I was over the spring and summer when I did not truly know Jesus. I feel so much happier than before surrendering my life. Jesus bears the burdens of my life and lets me walk without those big weights on my shoulders. When I sin and am so compelled to repent, to the point of helpless begging to God, I ‘hear’ Jesus telling me my sins are forgiven because of his sacrifice on the cross. I may not physically hear Him, but I just know He is there and looking out for me. If the Holy Spirit truly does live in me, then maybe what I used to call my subconscious is really the Holy Spirit, telling me truth and teaching me to walk the right path, the path that leads to God’s kingdom.

I must admit I have been lax in my prayers and even in reading my bible for a few days. I would start to pray late at night and so many pointless thoughts were on my mind that I would just pray by saying “God, you know what I should pray for and my mind is to busy to sort them out. Bless those who need blessings and help me get some sleep” and I would drift into thoughts even without an ‘amen’. How foolish I am! I had trouble sleeping those nights because I wasn’t properly worshiping God and the worries on my mind were too much to disappear and let me sleep.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34

I can be so idiotic at times for forgetting things like this. I love this particular verse and yet even though I thought of it briefly at one point, I chose to ignore its advice and continue to preoccupy my mind with trivial thoughts.

What are these thoughts that overwhelm my mind to the point of trouble sleeping? Again I say I am foolish, for I was worrying about a distant future. What will I major in, what does God want me to do, how can I live for god with my future career, would transferring schools be necessary depending on my choice, should I go into ministry, can I handle a career focused on the church? So many thoughts centered on a future that is still undecided and one only God knows. If some branch of religious study or ministry is where God wants me, then God will tell me in His own way at His own time. If ministry is just a subplot in my life on earth, then the real focus my life will take will reveal itself in due time as well.

I am in need of fellowship and focus, as when stuck at home during winter break, I am separated from a church body and there is only so much I can understand and stay focused on with only my will power and Jesus’ guidance if I turn to Him. I feel a need to take tomorrow and make it an electronic free day. Tomorrow the laptop and TV is staying off, even the DDR mat will be put away and my time will be spent doing chores, reading God’s word, reading other Christian books, and praying. No more distractions to keep me separated form God, as I need Him and Jesus back in my life. I have been distant for the past week and it is time I refocus and reconnect.

God bless you and I sincerely hope you love Jesus, as his love is something I wish everyone would know.

Peace ~ Pyung Ahn ~ Shalom

organizing my life

I’ve been talking about Philippians for the past three days, so today I’m taking a bit of a break from deep scripture discussions. I spent a good amount of time while on break the past few weeks to go through my old papers, internet accounts, mass amount of sticky notes in my bible, etc. I felt a need to do this mass organization to make it easier to focus on God in this new year and also to delete things from my old life that were not so righteous. I have erased much of the temptations that can draw me away from God and even some things that just serve as distractions from everyday life. As I write today’s post I am taking the time to pray and repent, as reviewing my past like this drags those past sins back into my mind.

There are certain games and sites that draw me into the unreality that is the internet and gaming worlds. I deleted those games that are nothing but time wasters. I used to play a few different role play sites and though I always manage to remove myself from those types of sites before school starts, I still had the links bookmarked. In deleting those links, I removed them from my life and told myself that escaping from reality is not a good way to live and especially distracting when I have God’s word to lose myself in instead.

I also had an account on a fan-fiction site. On this site, I would write a few stories taken from the cannon of other stories. Unfortunately much of my stories were not so righteous. Actually a lot of my stories were boarder line pornography. I used to watch pornography, but that is in my past as well. I deleted all of my stories and deleted the links I had to it, even removing the email alerts I had on other authors because the stories I would read were sinful as well. I’m closing that chapter of my life involving lustful sins and as I write this I just deleted the last document I had on fan-fiction stories. The stories are forever gone; I’ve made a covenant with God not to act upon my lusts and though I know lusts are one of those sins that will probably always be there, I repent every day for this sin of the mind. When I sense myself slipping into that lustful way of thinking, I immediately start to pray and repent, as I know it is not righteous.

Now a reflection on the near past, since coming to know God, that is much happier than my reflection on websites. I wrote journal entries for my health class and as I look at about the three week mark of the semester, I see that God had started to change me already, even though I was skeptical of Him still. As I go through those entries, I realize how my faith has grown over the semester. It is amazing how much God controls me for the better now! I’m saving those journal entries to reflect upon and possibly post with comments later and a few other assignments where I included God in my pieces I am saving for future reference as well.

I updated facebook to include a link to this blog instead of the now non-existent fan-fiction site. I deleted all the apps to games, inappropriate apps and messages on bumper sticker and flair, etc that do not lead to a righteous life. I still need to go through groups, but otherwise everything has been deleted or updated. I still have friends from my past who are not Christian, but I feel God wants me to stay connected to those whom I used to be like so that I might bring them towards salvation.

The past day or so I have gone through the large amount of sticky notes that I have in my bible. I took an excel document and wrote down some of those bookmarks with book, chapter and verse references, a link to the verse in blue letter bible (blueletterbible.org is a good place to find the scripture you’re looking for) and a quick word or two on the theme of that quote. In removing all those sticky notes, I organized all the scripture I have found important to me and made it easier to focus on the scripture I haven’t gotten to yet.

What must I still do to finish reorganizing my life? I must go through my material possessions and donate those things I can do without and that would be put to better use by someone less fortunate than me. It is not what I have in this life that brings me salvation and only God makes me happy, not possessions in this world (look up Luke 12:21, 32-34 for more about riches in this life). I also need to get a better hold of my finances and in doing so, donate regularly to churches, missionaries, and other charities. I have been donating to the church when I can, but if I don’t, I feel greedy. I know I have more than enough for myself and feel the sin of greed weighing on my heart. I may set up an automatic donation from my credit card once the next bill comes in and my finances are properly sorted out so that I feel less greedy. Donating not only helps those who need the funding and materials, but also helps me to feel more fulfilled in serving others and in living for God, not this world.

I am closing away those earlier chapters in my life before I knew God. It is only through the power of Jesus that I am blessed with the spiritual strength and emotional strength to lock these burdens from my past away. My life is more organized so that I am tempted less and I can focus on God easier and more often. I know today’s topic of organization was ironically unorganized, but I had to write what you just read in order to clear my conscious and lift those burdens from my heart. God bless y’all!

Peace ~ Pyung Ahn ~ Shalom

Philippians part 3

[all quotes from Philippians]

“For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases him.” 2:13

God is definitely working in me, giving me a desire to live a righteous life and shed away my old sins. Were I left to my own devices, I might still live in my sins and still be living a sinful lifestyle. The only reason I have changed to be righteous is because God moves me to do so. It is not because I feel unworthy otherwise, though at times I do and humble myself to Him; it is because He changed my heart to be less sinful. I used to think abortion was ok and it is the women’s choice, though now that I know more about God’s precious gift of life and that God has a plan for every life that exists on this earth, I know that it is wrong to purposefully end that life before it has even begun. Whether abortion should be illegal or not is a question of politics government, though I can take a personal stand against it.

I was living in sin before because I was in a relationship with a woman. God says homosexuality is wrong and even though I knew that God disapproved of it, I continued to have a relationship after I was saved, though it placed a burden on my heart. I felt called to go to an allies meeting at college, which is a group for homosexuals and their allies on campus. The entire meeting I realized that my heart no longer resided in that lifestyle and that the lifestyle I lived in while in that relationship with a woman was not for me anymore. Three days after that allies meeting, I finally broke up with my girlfriend. Immediately after I hung up the phone, I felt so relaxed, as though the weight of that burden was just lifted off of me. About 2 months after that, I officially renounced that sin and made a covenant, an unbreakable promise to God, that I will never be in another relationship with a woman. Though I know I may still suffer from lustful desires, I made a promise never to act on them. God has blessed me with the power to please Him, as I would not have given up that part of me on my own.

“Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”4:6-7

I am a big fan of ‘do not worry’ scripture quotes and this one hits the exact note I need. Instead of worrying, I should pray about what it is that worries me and pray that my mind be freed from the unnecessary stress that worrying causes. My first semester of college flew by because I had God to take away my worries. I felt less stressed during the time in school than I ever have during high school and I even finished the semester with a 3.91 GPA: probably the highest I have ever had. I have asked God to help me and though it took me a while to do so, I started praising Him for all the blessings He has given me. Once I started praising him and asking for help directly, my prayers for help were answered. That peace I get in return for my worship really is that indescribable peace that I’m sure has lowered my blood pressure, stress levels and even kept me healthy throughout the semester. And it is all thanks to Jesus that I can be so at peace.

“Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not demand and cling to his rights as God. He made himself nothing; he took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form. And in human form he obediently humbled himself even further by dying a criminal's death on a cross. Because of this, God raised him up to the heights of heaven and gave him a name that is above every other name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” 2:5-11

I feel so humbled to know that Jesus himself was humbled to be human. He had all the powers of God, yet still lived as a poor man and traveling rabbi, living off only the kindness of fellow Jews and the blessings from God along his way. He was perfect and yet died the most painful and drawn out death for me. His perfection, death, and resurrection were so that sinners like me could be saved in God’s eyes and we can all join Jesus and God in heaven. I love Jesus, my savior, and I worship him as God. Jesus was a slave to the human race and so I thank him for his unwavering love by serving him.

I hope you are blessed and you know the love of Jesus.

Peace ~ Pyung Ahn ~ Shalom

Philippians part 2

Philippians is such a great section of scripture that really speaks to me with certain verses. Yesterday I included no specific verse discussions, but rather focused on Paul’s character and the strength of his faith while connecting his words to my own life. Today is all about God’s specific words, breathed through Paul and my own connection that I gain through it. I am writing this more for my own benefit to sort out my own thoughts than for any other reason.

[disclaimer: all quotes are from Philippians]

“For to me, living is for Christ, and dying is even better. Yet if I live, that means fruitful service for Christ. I really don't know which is better. I'm torn between two desires: Sometimes I want to live, and sometimes I long to go and be with Christ. That would be far better for me, but it is better for you that I live.” 1:21-24

Let us remember that Paul is in prison; a horrible place with poor conditions I am sure. These verses speak to me because they sound slightly suicidal. Even though Paul sounds so morbid for a second, he brings the focus on God and Christ. He would only want to be at the end his life in order to be with Jesus in Heaven and yet he still endures so that he can continue to serve Christ in his life on earth through his ministry and his own suffering as an example to fellow Christians.

My own life story has a point in it where I was not far off from Paul’s place. Life was not going well in my opinion at the time and I felt no need to endure in this life anymore. I would be lost in despair and occasionally I would have suicidal thoughts. I would think that all I had to do was drown myself in the lake or cut my throat and it would all be over. I knew the thoughts were stupid and yet they continued to plague me. As I look back on it now I know that those idiotic thoughts were part of God’s plan, but at the time I was lost to the darker side of life and didn’t believe that God existed.

God wanted me to get to that low point because even though I didn’t believe in Him at the time, he was still there and kept me from acting on my stupid impulses. At the time I called that voice in the back of my head my conscious that was stopping me from doing something completely reckless. Now that I have been reborn, I realize that it was really God guiding me out of that miserable part of my life and towards Him. I thank God for that time because without that low point I would not have thought God to be able to work miracles in my life. Without the passing of my beloved, strongly Christian Grandmother, I might not have ever returned to weekly church attendance. I am such a different person now because in this new life, I am living for God, not myself and not society.

Paul writes more on the strength Jesus gives him and I share in this strength because of my faithfulness

“Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.” 4:11-13

I live on the same strength gained through Christ that Paul did, yet when it comes to having plenty or little, I have not experienced the little. Paul went from being a well known Pharisee to a low life prisoner and yet he knows how to endure and make his life for God in both situations. In my life, my parents have provided abundantly and though I am not as rich as other Americans out there, I know that my finances are stable, my home rather large, and my material possessions numerous. I have so much in this physical world, yet they do not bring me happiness anywhere near the happiness that coming to know God has brought me. I am not a materialistic person, but I still have so much I don’t need and so much that could be given to those who have little. I hope that with the strength of Christ, I can remove the burden that material possessions put on my soul and let God into those spots that possessions currently hold.

I still have a few more verses I want to review (I know, I go on tangents, but they are what I need to write) and so tomorrow will have another verse centered theme as well.

God bless.

Peace ~ Pyung Ahn ~ Shalom

Philippians part 1

So I read Philippians last night and this morning and am rereading it now. This letter from Paul to the Philippians has a few points that really jump out at me.

First of all, Paul was unjustly thrown in prison simply because he was going about preaching the Gospel. Even though he was in such dire circumstances, he still lived his life for God and stayed faithful that Christ was so much more important to him than what his current circumstances were. While imprisoned, Paul brought people to Christ. He inspired others to spread the Good News and even though some of those who preached the Gospel were doing so for worldly reasons, others preached with pure hearts. Even though some who were preaching about Christ were not doing so righteously, Paul rejoiced in them, for they were spreading Jesus’ name. Paul’s faith amazes me for the magnitude of the hard times he is pulled through with little worries because he has God to walk with and Jesus to serve.

Paul rejoices in his suffering (chapter 1, verse 29) simply because it is for Christ that he has the PRIVLIGE to suffer for! Paul has completely given his life over to God’s control. I pray that I may be able to trust God to the same extent Paul did and that I may be able to live for Him as well. I would like to think that I have been living for God lately, though there is always something greater that I can do for Him.

I have noticed that since giving up certain sins, praying more often, and in general living for God as much as I can, I see that I have more peace and that god seems to move in me more than just a few months or even a few weeks ago. There have been a few times these past few days where I am fairly certain god has been speaking through me to get to another life that either needs saving still or was in need of spiritual strengthening through a few choice words that definitely came from god and not me, even if it was through me that they came.

Paul gives recommendations to the Philippians on how to live a more virtuous life in the eyes of God and he even sends fellow Christians Epaphroditus and Timothy to them so that they can help strengthen the ministry in Philippi. He warns against the circumcision sect because it is not through any physical act that a spirit is saved, but only through the acceptance and worship of Jesus Christ. Paul was circumcised and was even a devout Pharisee! And he gave all of those privileges and that high position in god’s house up because he knew Jesus. He went from being a highly respected member of the synagogue to being imprisoned, yet I suspect that he is happier in his imprisonment than in his Pharisee days simply because he knows Jesus and is closer to God.

Even Paul himself admits that he has faults because he is human. He humbles himself and uplifts Jesus in place of his own self esteem. I have always been a humble person because in martial arts, we are taught to live by a code of conduct that includes humility in your everyday life. I submit myself to God every day and commit my life to His will in my prayers each day. I know there are times when I am tired or just not thinking and I lose my humility, but for the most part I live my life uplifting God and not myself. Lately I have been submitting to not only God’s will, but my parents will as well. They are giving me odd jobs to do around the house in order to work off my debt for spring semester and though paying that off is a small reason that I am helping them, I am also doing so because I know they need the help and in working closely with them, I can get close enough to them to be able to bring up their own salvation eventually. God does command us to honor our mother and father, after all.

I have more I wish to say on specific versus in Philippians, but I shall post them tomorrow, as it is late already. God bless you and Grant you peace.

Peace ~ Pyung Ahn ~ Shalom

The Meaning of Pyung Ahn and a Prayer for the Past

I am a big advocate of peace whether it is through lack of wars, forgiving a neighbor, forgiving yourself, having internal peace, or even making peace with God. Pyung Ahn is actually the Korean word for peace, just as Shalom is in Hebrew. Just like shalom has many meanings for peace, so does Pyung Ahn. Pyung means calm, well-balanced and Peace. Ahn means Safty, control, and confidence.

In order to have a true peace in your life, you must be calm. I have sensed that calm in my life for the past few months since accepting Jesus as my savior. I am well-balanced in mind, emotion, physical health, and even my time management has been able to balance out properly since finding God. As for peace, in the sense of absence of conflict, it is very present and I have had no major arguments minus a trivial one here or their and I always resolve the issue soon enough to not compromise the peace I have in my life. As for safety: I have had little fear for my health, finances, or even my grades this past semester. Control: while I thought I was still in control of my life for the past few months, within the past few weeks I have realized that in giving control of my life over to God, everything works out so much better. And confidence: I still dislike public speaking, etc, but I feel myself loosening up with my college friends and I am even confident enough to write this blog and post it for complete strangers to see! I posted the note I wrote on my decision about homosexuality on facebook for all to see. I know that only God could have instilled this new found confidence.

God is awesome for being able to instill this shalom, this Pyung Ahn, this peace in me and I praise Him for these wonderful blessings that are so numerous and unrepayable with my single human life; I cannot glorify Him enough!

… So today’s note has a bit of a random topic jump ‘cause I stink at transitions and had two separate thoughts… anyways…

I just got back from a welcome home party for a teenage cousin of mine who is around the age of 14. While we were sitting and chatting somehow we managed to bring the conversation to biblical references and living for God. Admittedly my brain is a bit fuzzy from too much soda (caffeinated, sugary beverages and me are not a good mix) and I do not remember too many specifics of our conversation but I remember leaving with a peaceful heart knowing that she lives a Christian life and even if she still has some sins, I know that she was raised the right way and knows enough scripture now so that if she becomes closer to God as she grows into an adult, she has that background she can stay grounded in.

As much as I love my parents and love the morals they instilled in me, I also realize that they did not raise me to be a good Christian and to read my bible or pray every day. We would recite a prayer over dinner if we were sitting down as a family, but even then it is the same one that we all recite together. I look back on my childhood now and wish that I had been raised to be a true Christian and to live for God, not just insert Him every so often.

Yet at the same time I am grateful that they never forced God on me and while that may be because they do not love Him as I do now, I am still grateful that I could have that free will. I believe that because I was not forced into my religion and because I chose Him of my own accord, I am closer to Him now. If I grew up with God in my life, but got to this point, then maybe instead of going to a Christian club meeting because I was curious I may have only gone to make my parents happy or out of obligation. I might have worshiped God, but only been going through the motions.

Heavenly Father, I pray to you and I am THANKFUL for the rough past I have had in living without you and I am so grateful that I have this free will to truly love you and to choose to live for you. God, I could easily turn away from you and live a worldly life, but I know that You are always there and only You can bring me this inner peace I have so longed for. Lord, no earthly relationship or desire compares to Your love for me and my humble life I give freely to You. Jesus, I thank You for Your sacrifice on the cross so that I feel no obligation to live a sinless life and to worship You, but that I can choose to love You of my own free will. Lord, please give me the knowledge to understand and the desire to read Your word. Please guide me to WALK WITH YOU. Amen (it is so).

Peace ~Pyung Ahn

Testaments and Traditions

So I have been reading the epistles in the New Testament lately (mostly because they are short) and through reading the words of the apostles and saints I realized a few things (ok, a lot of things, but I will try not to ramble).

First, I realized the necessity of the Old Testament being part of the bible. The Old Testament is really the original holy book and you cannot read just the New Testament and understand the references that early Christians include without reading the original scripture. Besides Genesis, what comes up in sermons I have not read any of the Old Testament. In going through a few letters from apostles and early saints I realize that they quote these scriptures just as we modern day Christians quote the new testament in our own lives and writings (my past posts being a good example). In Jude alone there is a reference to the Lord saving the Jews from Egypt (something I need to read about in the Old testament, as I do not remember the full story), Sodom and Gomorrah (I know that one!), something about the archangel Michael and the body of Moses (another one I need to read about), someone named Cain (don’t remember), and the list goes on, but you get my point; there are many old testament references that I do not know. I am beginning to see the importance of understanding the way the Jews live/lived in order to understand my own religious traditions and beliefs.

The issue I have with traditions, however, is that sometimes they are taken for granted. God doesn’t care if you are catholic and go to confession on a regular basis or if you pray at certain times of day every day, but what he truly cares about is that you worship him whole-heartedly.

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” Deuteronomy 6:5

In the end it is where your heart is at, not where your traditions lead you. God should be the reason you are praying, not tradition.

At Christmas dinner with my extended family yesterday, my father passed on the responsibility of saying grace to me. I thanked God for family and for the food, though I could have prayed for so much more because God is just that good in our lives. It may have been tradition for my father to say grace at meals with our extended family, but the tradition was broken this year because he knows I worship whole-heartedly. I see my dad not going to church and living a worldly life and I know that when I look upon the prayer I said, though not the best and most formal prayer, I know that God blesses my family just the same and He knows that my heart is truly focused on Him, maybe even more so than my father.

Traditions are nice for those who already have a strong heart for God, like the tradition of confession. Yes, we all must confess our sins and repent, but to those Christians who just go through the motions to follow the tradition of it and dislike the practice of it, then they do not truly connect with God in the way He deserves.

Some traditions at my parent’s church I dislike because they are so set in stone, word for word. We read the same confession of faith every week and sing the same hymn just before communion etc. For the longest time I was resentful of church because the guidelines were so structured. When I truly accepted God into my life, I started to feel that connection and realized that once that connection is already established, then the traditions add to worshiping Him. Unfortunately those same traditions are what held me back from truly loving God in the first place.

[also read Mark 7:1-23 for further scripture on the subject of traditions]

God gave us free will so that we humans can choose to love him instead of being forced to do so. Traditions do not lead to that love and only worshiping God and accepting Jesus for our individual sins will lead us to the kingdom of heaven and even a better life on earth.

Maybe you have many worldly possessions, but if you know that God comes before those worldly things, then your heart is in the right place (and if you give up those possessions you have no true need of, then God will love you all the more for truly living for Him!).

“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God…. Truly I tell you, no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age… and in the age to come, eternal life.” Matthew 10:25, 29-30

Live for God, forget about world and live for Him. Such a simple thing, but also the hardest to do, especially in America: the largest consumer nation in the world.

My mother is a very materialistic person. Today we were going through the good china, putting it away since we used it for the party the day before and I mentioned that she has a lot of material possessions and a lot of things she rarely uses, such as the multiple sets of china (4 or 5 sets of differing china, crystal and glass wares). I mentioned the biblical quote about it being easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to get into heaven. She actually started arguing with me that the possessions she has all hold memories (her deceased parents, wedding gifts, dishes from when she was a kid, etc). I admit objects hold memories, but what really matters are those long ago memories, not the objects that go along with them.

She basically admitted that she was a materialistic person with many possessions, though she acts more as though we are not considered rich and therefore do not have to worry about falling in the rich man category. I tried to point out that in the eyes of God, holding on to those worldly things are what shows that we are not living for God, and yet she refuses to walk with Him because of her ‘riches’.

I love my mother and I pray for her salvation, and even my father’s, as neither of them truly live for God even though they call themselves Christian. My brother is completely against religion and God and many of my friends live in sinful lifestyles and either deny God and Jesus or live in sin anyways. I pray for those who need saving and to those who are saved, I pray you continue to walk with God and love Jesus, our savior. I hope God blesses you and that you live your live for him; not material things, earthly relationships, or even feeble traditions.

Peace ~ Pyung Ahn