Poem from the Past

I know I disappeared for two months and I am kind of glad I did. My life since the last post has been busy, trying, and yet still amazingly good. I’m not sure I can thoroughly explain everything to myself, never mind in words on a webpage.

A quick timeline of my life since mid January:

~ Finish winter break with skiing and trying family issues

~ Start spring semester with a semi-unbalanced mind due to said family issues

~ Rearrange class schedule to remove 2 classes and add a lifeguard training class

~Classes, Ultimate Frisbee practice, swimming, Club responsibilities (I am treasurer for the Christian club on campus) socializing, spending time in the Bible, and spending time talking to God (when I say talking I mean prayer and attempting to listen to His will, though it has been tough.)

Life is not without hardships like tough classes and aging relatives with declining health. But what are my worries really worth? I may go through trials and tough times, but there is so much more than my worries to focus on. I may have been busy, but with the strength of the Holy Spirit, I have managed to succeed in keeping my busy schedule in order without burning myself out or leaving things undone. It’s now spring break, and once again I am typing from the motel in Vermont because I finally have the time to sit and think. (The skiing is awesome of course.)

I feel like I have grown so much in faith and knowledge and I could not possibly describe everything I have learned lately. I stumbled across what had started out as a poem last fall (sometime in September or October) that turned into a prayer I now have in writing in the form of poetry (or prose; however you want to classify it). It is unedited except for grammar and I probably will not edit just because it came from a time in my life where I was not as knowledgeable and so full of questions.

A decade I have denied Him,

yet He keeps coming back.

Maybe He loves me,

maybe He doesn’t,

maybe I am not worthy.

I have denied and blamed him,

I deserve His wrath.

I cannot change my nature.

He casts away those like me.

I represent all that is not Christian

and yet I call myself so,

but I do not deserve such right.

The scriptures damn my type

and my type turn away from God,

yet I am on the fence,

torn between two ways of living.

If God and Jesus love me and want my worship,

then why have They made me so?

Do I deserve Their love

or am I damned no matter what?

He has provided and He has taken away.

At the worst time He chose wrath rather than mercy

and yet I turned to Him.

I might convince myself otherwise,

that it is my own choosing to turn to Him,

but perhaps He was there all along

in the back of my mind.

Perhaps He was that voice in that said stop,

and that voice that knows there is a purpose in my life.

Though that purpose I cannot see, it must be there…

somewhere.

Can I blindly follow you, O God,

when I do not know if You have already damned me outright?

Can I redeem myself so easily?

I know I need to read Your word

and there is much I must do before I will be worthy,

if at all,

but can I truly be found worthy of Your mercy when judgment comes?

I refuse to hide behind a false façade and hide my nature

if that is what I must do to deserve your love.

If that be the case, then go ahead

and damn me now to an eternal hell.

Maybe Lucifer and I will become good friends.

But if you truly love me

and my absolute worship and understanding of Your word is all you ask for,

then I shall do so and your word I shall follow unwaveringly.

Perhaps Your word will shed light on my dilemma.

Hear this, O God,

what Your word says

will determine my future.

I knew when I wrote this that I was committing myself to changing my life. For a year, as I started attending church regularly and was confirmed last summer, I always had the question in the back of my mind of whether or not God could love people like me who are attracted to the same sex. During that year I would Google and Youtube anything relating to Christianity and Homosexuality and unfortunately much of what I found was very unloving. At the time I wrote this poem/prayer, I was seriously thinking that God would not accept me because I had these desires.

Longish story short, I read the scriptures that referenced Homosexuality, was convicted by the Holy Spirit in me, broke up with my girl friend at the time, repented (partially) and continued to work out whether I was truly saved or not. Mid December I fully repented of this sin and vowed never to go back to dating women. I still have those desires and I must continually repent every time those thoughts come back, but I know living for God is better than any earthly relationship could ever be.

At the point I wrote this poem, I was afraid to fully trust in God. As I look back on it, it may have been that over the course of the day I took to write it, I decided to accept Jesus and perhaps that day was when I received the Holy Spirit to guide me through all that has happened since then, specifically with overcoming this sin. I wrote more on this process back in December or January if you would like to look it up in this blog.

I know God had a reason for all of the hardships in my life and I am such a strong and faithful person now because I have been there and I know how much better it is to have God in my life instead. I have lost contact with many of my old friends partly because I have moved to college just before this point, but I believe also partly because those of them who gave in to homosexuality and bisexuality saw that I had turned away from that life and they thought I was being brainwashed into thinking that was the only way I could be Christian, where that is hardly the case.

I changed my ways not out of obligation, but because I wanted to and I felt called to. Nobody and no book told me had to give up that life in order to be saved. The only reason I read the bible is because it is inspired by God and through reading it, I can understand His will a little better when I feel Him guiding me. The Holy Spirit is something I do not fully understand and cannot explain well, but the best I can describe it that the Holy Spirit is God, part of the trinity (three Gods in one) that guides His followers to His will.

I had not had access to the Holy Spirit back in my childhood, but somehow during that childhood I always pondered whether there truly was a God out there watching over Earth. As I think back on it, even in the darkest of times, I felt this call from within me (at the time I called it my subconscious, though now I believe it was the Holy Spirit) that told me the dark thoughts in my head were stupid. I know God won’t solve my problems for me, but He can give me the will to do so.

Leave a comment and my God bless you as He has blessed me these past few months as I have grown closer to Him.

~ Peace ~ Pyung Ahn ~ Shalom ~

A Worried Mind

I know I’ve been posting every day and then I disappeared for a week…. And I have no real good excuse. Between obligations to family, my birthday (19… not that exciting), skiing, getting caught up in youtube and reading my bible, I just never got around to writing. Oh, and DDR is very addictive as well. I’m glad my dorm room doesn’t have it or I would get nothing done (good workout though). Youtube is an awesome place to find videos of sermons and hear inspirational stories from Christians, who genuinely love Jesus. I won’t go into detail about everything I have learned lately, as I could babble on and on.

I would like to stress, however, that accepting Jesus with my whole heart and surrendering my life to Him is the only reason this blog even exists. Jesus has changed my heart from one inclined to live in sin before, especially lusts, to one that turns away from sin. Not only have I lost those lusts, but when they do creep in, I have the strength to fight them that only God can grace me with. God is my strength, my morals, my LIFE. I feel less lazy than I was over the spring and summer when I did not truly know Jesus. I feel so much happier than before surrendering my life. Jesus bears the burdens of my life and lets me walk without those big weights on my shoulders. When I sin and am so compelled to repent, to the point of helpless begging to God, I ‘hear’ Jesus telling me my sins are forgiven because of his sacrifice on the cross. I may not physically hear Him, but I just know He is there and looking out for me. If the Holy Spirit truly does live in me, then maybe what I used to call my subconscious is really the Holy Spirit, telling me truth and teaching me to walk the right path, the path that leads to God’s kingdom.

I must admit I have been lax in my prayers and even in reading my bible for a few days. I would start to pray late at night and so many pointless thoughts were on my mind that I would just pray by saying “God, you know what I should pray for and my mind is to busy to sort them out. Bless those who need blessings and help me get some sleep” and I would drift into thoughts even without an ‘amen’. How foolish I am! I had trouble sleeping those nights because I wasn’t properly worshiping God and the worries on my mind were too much to disappear and let me sleep.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34

I can be so idiotic at times for forgetting things like this. I love this particular verse and yet even though I thought of it briefly at one point, I chose to ignore its advice and continue to preoccupy my mind with trivial thoughts.

What are these thoughts that overwhelm my mind to the point of trouble sleeping? Again I say I am foolish, for I was worrying about a distant future. What will I major in, what does God want me to do, how can I live for god with my future career, would transferring schools be necessary depending on my choice, should I go into ministry, can I handle a career focused on the church? So many thoughts centered on a future that is still undecided and one only God knows. If some branch of religious study or ministry is where God wants me, then God will tell me in His own way at His own time. If ministry is just a subplot in my life on earth, then the real focus my life will take will reveal itself in due time as well.

I am in need of fellowship and focus, as when stuck at home during winter break, I am separated from a church body and there is only so much I can understand and stay focused on with only my will power and Jesus’ guidance if I turn to Him. I feel a need to take tomorrow and make it an electronic free day. Tomorrow the laptop and TV is staying off, even the DDR mat will be put away and my time will be spent doing chores, reading God’s word, reading other Christian books, and praying. No more distractions to keep me separated form God, as I need Him and Jesus back in my life. I have been distant for the past week and it is time I refocus and reconnect.

God bless you and I sincerely hope you love Jesus, as his love is something I wish everyone would know.

Peace ~ Pyung Ahn ~ Shalom

organizing my life

I’ve been talking about Philippians for the past three days, so today I’m taking a bit of a break from deep scripture discussions. I spent a good amount of time while on break the past few weeks to go through my old papers, internet accounts, mass amount of sticky notes in my bible, etc. I felt a need to do this mass organization to make it easier to focus on God in this new year and also to delete things from my old life that were not so righteous. I have erased much of the temptations that can draw me away from God and even some things that just serve as distractions from everyday life. As I write today’s post I am taking the time to pray and repent, as reviewing my past like this drags those past sins back into my mind.

There are certain games and sites that draw me into the unreality that is the internet and gaming worlds. I deleted those games that are nothing but time wasters. I used to play a few different role play sites and though I always manage to remove myself from those types of sites before school starts, I still had the links bookmarked. In deleting those links, I removed them from my life and told myself that escaping from reality is not a good way to live and especially distracting when I have God’s word to lose myself in instead.

I also had an account on a fan-fiction site. On this site, I would write a few stories taken from the cannon of other stories. Unfortunately much of my stories were not so righteous. Actually a lot of my stories were boarder line pornography. I used to watch pornography, but that is in my past as well. I deleted all of my stories and deleted the links I had to it, even removing the email alerts I had on other authors because the stories I would read were sinful as well. I’m closing that chapter of my life involving lustful sins and as I write this I just deleted the last document I had on fan-fiction stories. The stories are forever gone; I’ve made a covenant with God not to act upon my lusts and though I know lusts are one of those sins that will probably always be there, I repent every day for this sin of the mind. When I sense myself slipping into that lustful way of thinking, I immediately start to pray and repent, as I know it is not righteous.

Now a reflection on the near past, since coming to know God, that is much happier than my reflection on websites. I wrote journal entries for my health class and as I look at about the three week mark of the semester, I see that God had started to change me already, even though I was skeptical of Him still. As I go through those entries, I realize how my faith has grown over the semester. It is amazing how much God controls me for the better now! I’m saving those journal entries to reflect upon and possibly post with comments later and a few other assignments where I included God in my pieces I am saving for future reference as well.

I updated facebook to include a link to this blog instead of the now non-existent fan-fiction site. I deleted all the apps to games, inappropriate apps and messages on bumper sticker and flair, etc that do not lead to a righteous life. I still need to go through groups, but otherwise everything has been deleted or updated. I still have friends from my past who are not Christian, but I feel God wants me to stay connected to those whom I used to be like so that I might bring them towards salvation.

The past day or so I have gone through the large amount of sticky notes that I have in my bible. I took an excel document and wrote down some of those bookmarks with book, chapter and verse references, a link to the verse in blue letter bible (blueletterbible.org is a good place to find the scripture you’re looking for) and a quick word or two on the theme of that quote. In removing all those sticky notes, I organized all the scripture I have found important to me and made it easier to focus on the scripture I haven’t gotten to yet.

What must I still do to finish reorganizing my life? I must go through my material possessions and donate those things I can do without and that would be put to better use by someone less fortunate than me. It is not what I have in this life that brings me salvation and only God makes me happy, not possessions in this world (look up Luke 12:21, 32-34 for more about riches in this life). I also need to get a better hold of my finances and in doing so, donate regularly to churches, missionaries, and other charities. I have been donating to the church when I can, but if I don’t, I feel greedy. I know I have more than enough for myself and feel the sin of greed weighing on my heart. I may set up an automatic donation from my credit card once the next bill comes in and my finances are properly sorted out so that I feel less greedy. Donating not only helps those who need the funding and materials, but also helps me to feel more fulfilled in serving others and in living for God, not this world.

I am closing away those earlier chapters in my life before I knew God. It is only through the power of Jesus that I am blessed with the spiritual strength and emotional strength to lock these burdens from my past away. My life is more organized so that I am tempted less and I can focus on God easier and more often. I know today’s topic of organization was ironically unorganized, but I had to write what you just read in order to clear my conscious and lift those burdens from my heart. God bless y’all!

Peace ~ Pyung Ahn ~ Shalom

Philippians part 3

[all quotes from Philippians]

“For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases him.” 2:13

God is definitely working in me, giving me a desire to live a righteous life and shed away my old sins. Were I left to my own devices, I might still live in my sins and still be living a sinful lifestyle. The only reason I have changed to be righteous is because God moves me to do so. It is not because I feel unworthy otherwise, though at times I do and humble myself to Him; it is because He changed my heart to be less sinful. I used to think abortion was ok and it is the women’s choice, though now that I know more about God’s precious gift of life and that God has a plan for every life that exists on this earth, I know that it is wrong to purposefully end that life before it has even begun. Whether abortion should be illegal or not is a question of politics government, though I can take a personal stand against it.

I was living in sin before because I was in a relationship with a woman. God says homosexuality is wrong and even though I knew that God disapproved of it, I continued to have a relationship after I was saved, though it placed a burden on my heart. I felt called to go to an allies meeting at college, which is a group for homosexuals and their allies on campus. The entire meeting I realized that my heart no longer resided in that lifestyle and that the lifestyle I lived in while in that relationship with a woman was not for me anymore. Three days after that allies meeting, I finally broke up with my girlfriend. Immediately after I hung up the phone, I felt so relaxed, as though the weight of that burden was just lifted off of me. About 2 months after that, I officially renounced that sin and made a covenant, an unbreakable promise to God, that I will never be in another relationship with a woman. Though I know I may still suffer from lustful desires, I made a promise never to act on them. God has blessed me with the power to please Him, as I would not have given up that part of me on my own.

“Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”4:6-7

I am a big fan of ‘do not worry’ scripture quotes and this one hits the exact note I need. Instead of worrying, I should pray about what it is that worries me and pray that my mind be freed from the unnecessary stress that worrying causes. My first semester of college flew by because I had God to take away my worries. I felt less stressed during the time in school than I ever have during high school and I even finished the semester with a 3.91 GPA: probably the highest I have ever had. I have asked God to help me and though it took me a while to do so, I started praising Him for all the blessings He has given me. Once I started praising him and asking for help directly, my prayers for help were answered. That peace I get in return for my worship really is that indescribable peace that I’m sure has lowered my blood pressure, stress levels and even kept me healthy throughout the semester. And it is all thanks to Jesus that I can be so at peace.

“Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not demand and cling to his rights as God. He made himself nothing; he took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form. And in human form he obediently humbled himself even further by dying a criminal's death on a cross. Because of this, God raised him up to the heights of heaven and gave him a name that is above every other name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” 2:5-11

I feel so humbled to know that Jesus himself was humbled to be human. He had all the powers of God, yet still lived as a poor man and traveling rabbi, living off only the kindness of fellow Jews and the blessings from God along his way. He was perfect and yet died the most painful and drawn out death for me. His perfection, death, and resurrection were so that sinners like me could be saved in God’s eyes and we can all join Jesus and God in heaven. I love Jesus, my savior, and I worship him as God. Jesus was a slave to the human race and so I thank him for his unwavering love by serving him.

I hope you are blessed and you know the love of Jesus.

Peace ~ Pyung Ahn ~ Shalom

Philippians part 2

Philippians is such a great section of scripture that really speaks to me with certain verses. Yesterday I included no specific verse discussions, but rather focused on Paul’s character and the strength of his faith while connecting his words to my own life. Today is all about God’s specific words, breathed through Paul and my own connection that I gain through it. I am writing this more for my own benefit to sort out my own thoughts than for any other reason.

[disclaimer: all quotes are from Philippians]

“For to me, living is for Christ, and dying is even better. Yet if I live, that means fruitful service for Christ. I really don't know which is better. I'm torn between two desires: Sometimes I want to live, and sometimes I long to go and be with Christ. That would be far better for me, but it is better for you that I live.” 1:21-24

Let us remember that Paul is in prison; a horrible place with poor conditions I am sure. These verses speak to me because they sound slightly suicidal. Even though Paul sounds so morbid for a second, he brings the focus on God and Christ. He would only want to be at the end his life in order to be with Jesus in Heaven and yet he still endures so that he can continue to serve Christ in his life on earth through his ministry and his own suffering as an example to fellow Christians.

My own life story has a point in it where I was not far off from Paul’s place. Life was not going well in my opinion at the time and I felt no need to endure in this life anymore. I would be lost in despair and occasionally I would have suicidal thoughts. I would think that all I had to do was drown myself in the lake or cut my throat and it would all be over. I knew the thoughts were stupid and yet they continued to plague me. As I look back on it now I know that those idiotic thoughts were part of God’s plan, but at the time I was lost to the darker side of life and didn’t believe that God existed.

God wanted me to get to that low point because even though I didn’t believe in Him at the time, he was still there and kept me from acting on my stupid impulses. At the time I called that voice in the back of my head my conscious that was stopping me from doing something completely reckless. Now that I have been reborn, I realize that it was really God guiding me out of that miserable part of my life and towards Him. I thank God for that time because without that low point I would not have thought God to be able to work miracles in my life. Without the passing of my beloved, strongly Christian Grandmother, I might not have ever returned to weekly church attendance. I am such a different person now because in this new life, I am living for God, not myself and not society.

Paul writes more on the strength Jesus gives him and I share in this strength because of my faithfulness

“Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.” 4:11-13

I live on the same strength gained through Christ that Paul did, yet when it comes to having plenty or little, I have not experienced the little. Paul went from being a well known Pharisee to a low life prisoner and yet he knows how to endure and make his life for God in both situations. In my life, my parents have provided abundantly and though I am not as rich as other Americans out there, I know that my finances are stable, my home rather large, and my material possessions numerous. I have so much in this physical world, yet they do not bring me happiness anywhere near the happiness that coming to know God has brought me. I am not a materialistic person, but I still have so much I don’t need and so much that could be given to those who have little. I hope that with the strength of Christ, I can remove the burden that material possessions put on my soul and let God into those spots that possessions currently hold.

I still have a few more verses I want to review (I know, I go on tangents, but they are what I need to write) and so tomorrow will have another verse centered theme as well.

God bless.

Peace ~ Pyung Ahn ~ Shalom

Philippians part 1

So I read Philippians last night and this morning and am rereading it now. This letter from Paul to the Philippians has a few points that really jump out at me.

First of all, Paul was unjustly thrown in prison simply because he was going about preaching the Gospel. Even though he was in such dire circumstances, he still lived his life for God and stayed faithful that Christ was so much more important to him than what his current circumstances were. While imprisoned, Paul brought people to Christ. He inspired others to spread the Good News and even though some of those who preached the Gospel were doing so for worldly reasons, others preached with pure hearts. Even though some who were preaching about Christ were not doing so righteously, Paul rejoiced in them, for they were spreading Jesus’ name. Paul’s faith amazes me for the magnitude of the hard times he is pulled through with little worries because he has God to walk with and Jesus to serve.

Paul rejoices in his suffering (chapter 1, verse 29) simply because it is for Christ that he has the PRIVLIGE to suffer for! Paul has completely given his life over to God’s control. I pray that I may be able to trust God to the same extent Paul did and that I may be able to live for Him as well. I would like to think that I have been living for God lately, though there is always something greater that I can do for Him.

I have noticed that since giving up certain sins, praying more often, and in general living for God as much as I can, I see that I have more peace and that god seems to move in me more than just a few months or even a few weeks ago. There have been a few times these past few days where I am fairly certain god has been speaking through me to get to another life that either needs saving still or was in need of spiritual strengthening through a few choice words that definitely came from god and not me, even if it was through me that they came.

Paul gives recommendations to the Philippians on how to live a more virtuous life in the eyes of God and he even sends fellow Christians Epaphroditus and Timothy to them so that they can help strengthen the ministry in Philippi. He warns against the circumcision sect because it is not through any physical act that a spirit is saved, but only through the acceptance and worship of Jesus Christ. Paul was circumcised and was even a devout Pharisee! And he gave all of those privileges and that high position in god’s house up because he knew Jesus. He went from being a highly respected member of the synagogue to being imprisoned, yet I suspect that he is happier in his imprisonment than in his Pharisee days simply because he knows Jesus and is closer to God.

Even Paul himself admits that he has faults because he is human. He humbles himself and uplifts Jesus in place of his own self esteem. I have always been a humble person because in martial arts, we are taught to live by a code of conduct that includes humility in your everyday life. I submit myself to God every day and commit my life to His will in my prayers each day. I know there are times when I am tired or just not thinking and I lose my humility, but for the most part I live my life uplifting God and not myself. Lately I have been submitting to not only God’s will, but my parents will as well. They are giving me odd jobs to do around the house in order to work off my debt for spring semester and though paying that off is a small reason that I am helping them, I am also doing so because I know they need the help and in working closely with them, I can get close enough to them to be able to bring up their own salvation eventually. God does command us to honor our mother and father, after all.

I have more I wish to say on specific versus in Philippians, but I shall post them tomorrow, as it is late already. God bless you and Grant you peace.

Peace ~ Pyung Ahn ~ Shalom