christianity and homosexuality?

So I didn't post anything last night and I will post later as to the reason why. As for now, though, I have another re-post from facebook notes (original post date 12/13/09). this particular one I knew was controversial, but it was something I needed to write. Within two days of posting I had 64 comments from a total of ten friends (and a few comments by myself as well). It was interesting to see the differences between my friends I have known for years and my new group of friends at college, as most of my college friends are christian and most of my old friends are not.

I hope this particular post opens your mind to the greatest gift of all: Jesus' sacrifice on the cross for our sins.


Peace ~ Pyung Ahn

A struggle overcome and a heart at peace

So a lot has been running through my mind lately. Ever since coming to know God at the beginning of the semester, I have had this nagging question on my mind. Before I get to that question though, let me fill you in (and try not to judge me until you read EVERYTHING)…

First off, if you have not read my note ‘life since high school,’ go and read it now and then come back. I live my life for God and no one else, not even myself. Know that God makes me happier and more at peace every single day than I have ever been since childhood. Second, you need to know that I am bisexual. To me, women are equally as attractive as men and even when looking at people’s personalities I don’t make a decision about who I ‘like’ based upon gender stereotypes. I even dated a lesbian friend of mine (who still remains a best friend) and broke up with her because I felt God telling me it was the right thing to do. To those of you whom are learning this about me for the first time, again I say don’t judge and read till the end before you comment.

My big question: Can God accept me even if I were in a homosexual relationship?

Since finding God and up until about two weeks ago I kept saying God ‘condemns’ homosexuals, or at least homosexual activity (so says the biblical references I had heard of), and that the only way I could ‘earn’ God’s love was to repent constantly, since I cannot change the way I am. I said ‘condemns’ because I thought I would go to Hell because I thought God hated homosexuals. I thought I had to ‘earn’ his love by what amounts to constantly begging for His mercy. Also note I say thought a lot, as my view has been righted.

A series of events caused a shift in my view, starting with doubt night on Dec. 1st. For those of you who were there, you may remember that there were questions asking about homosexual Christians. Yes, those questions were mine. When the guest pastor answering the doubt night questions flat out said “no, you can’t be a good Christian and living a homosexual life,” it hurt me deeply. For the 24 hours after that my heart was very heavy and I tried to rationalize myself to fit God’s eyes without really listening to Him. I was hiding away that piece of me that was holding on to my bisexuality as being something I couldn’t help.

The next night I was talking to Amanda online about my struggle. After a while and some scripture, God speaks to her and he in turn speaks to me through her words. God said to her (and she relayed to me) “wasn’t Jesus’ sacrifice enough for you” and that impacted me hard, but in an uplifting kind of way that I don’t think can be described. It was exactly what I needed to hear. God knew my heart wasn’t open enough to hear him, but by using other people, I hear him loud and clear (in a screaming kind of way). I still have trouble distinguishing His voice when he speaks directly to me, but He is teaching me lessons through others and helping me build in my faith every day with the help of others.

After talking to Amanda for a while the day after doubt knight, she invited me to a small group that night. When in small group we talked about our highs and lows of the week and after contemplating how much to reveal to people who were strangers to me until that night, I decided to trust them and revealed the whole story about my sexuality and how lost I was in my faith because of doubt night. After some encouraging words and the reassurance that God still loves me because of God’s grace I left feeling a little better, though still struggling to fully accept Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross for my sin.

Back in my dorm, same night, I go online to see a Christian friend of mine from Newtown, Kieran, was online. I start talking to him about how I was struggling against my sins and he reminds me of God’s grace: yet another example of God screaming at me through others. God’s words, through the words of Kieran, helped to ease my mind a bit, though I knew I wasn’t completely all right. I told Amanda I was fine that Thursday night, and to an extent I really was, even if I still didn’t understand.

Now we are at Saturday the 5th, if you are still following my timeline. I helped out Abundant Life Community Church by watching the little kids and helping with food for couples’ night. Steve ended up giving me a ride back to my dorm. I mentioned my struggle against this sin and once again I felt God speaking to me through others when he said the least I could do is repent and be thankful for Jesus and know that because of Him I have salvation.

So to summarize so far: I never understood up to this point how homosexuality is wrong in God’s eyes and I just had to trust that the bible is truth and repent for this sin. God spoke to me through others and helped me to relax a bit and wait for when the time was right to get me to understand and change my way of thinking.

Now we reach today: Sunday the 13th. (Going home the 10th to the 12th resulted in a loss of that connection with God while I was surrounded by old friends who do not live everyday for God. I see now that I needed that slip up to be more open minded and open hearted.) So I go to church and read the title for the day’s sermon and I can’t help but think the message: “authentic sexuality,” is directed right at me, considering it has always been my struggle between my faith and my old lifestyle. Many scriptures and a heartfelt repentance prayer later I finally understood that it is not the fact that I have homosexual tendencies, but more the fact that I choose to act on those lusts that makes homosexuality (and other sexually immoral fixations) bad in God’s eyes.

I can strive to live a virtuous and sexually pure life as much as possible and know that Jesus died for my sins for the times I slip up. I know I can pray for answers and help and he will help whether through giving the answers (in due time) or providing the right people to help me.

As I sit here in my dorm, listening to worship music and thinking back on past mistakes and the promises I have made to God, I must make another promise to Him. God, I promise never to enter another relationship with a female and to reject the sexually immoral tendencies I have embraced in the past. I will live my life for You, Lord, not for any other human to human relationship.

I have this frayed rainbow pin (awareness pin for homosexuality) that has been sitting on my desk for over three months, reminding me who I thought I was. I am taking this rather meaningful piece of fabric and throwing it in the garbage, as I will not live that life ever again.